All of Curt's family gathered at their parents cabin on the lake this past Easter weekend. It's so far away and a very, very small place for such a big family and so many people. I don't enjoy being up there because of the cluttered, small space. More importantly, why would I want to surround myself with people who do not love or respect me or my family. I realize that I still need to forgive Curt's mother for saying so many mean and vile things about me. I need to earnestly pray hard to seek to forgive her for all of her lies about our family she has told, saying we are going to kill our kids, her finger-pointing, placing blame, devaluing me by projecting her illness onto me by labeling me and mostly forgive her for her unhealthy mind. I want to be better at forgiving because even though I have not lashed out and hurt Curt's family members as they have hurt me, I still should forgive them for all the hurt and pain they have caused us. I should strive to better at being more forgiving. I know I have to forgive, it's required of me, but it's really hard when people have been so mean to me for no reason at all. I've been beyond unfairly treated. Christ experienced so much unfairness and others treated him horribly. He suffered and bled and died for me. I know he really knows and has felt my pains. I can rely on Him and His atonement to heal me from all the pains Curt's family has caused. I know the atonement is not just for sinners. I have been healed through the atonement's healing powers for forgiving my own parents and how horribly they treated me. I can forgive. I harbor no bitter feelings towards my parents. I love them and forgive them for all of the things they did wrong and for not being good parents. I look forward to seeing my mom again. That's what is so easy though about forgiving them. I always loved my parents even though they treated me horribly. My mother never hit me. That's one thing she did right. She never called me bad names like my father did, she was weak and imperfect in many ways, but because she was my mother I loved her and was quick to always forgive her of her imperfections. It's hard to forgive Curt's mother because she has never been trustworthy or respectful. It's a lot harder to forgive those who have hurt us when there's never been a relationship bound together with trust and love. I know Christ wants me to be more forgiving and He can help me. I want to be more forgiving, but I still will not trust Curt's mother or have any desire to be around her. I will not give anyone power or control to keep hurting me and abusing me. Heavenly Father wants us to forgive others, but we are not required to subject ourselves to one's abusive behaviors in the name of family. He wants what is best for us and what's best for us is not being around her toxic and abusive behaviors. I'm thankful I have not hurt anyone or said anything mean, because I am not a mean person. I've never felt the desire to hurt someone intentionally with hurtful words or actions. I do not write these posts to be mean or to in any way hurt someone who has hurt me. It's good that I recognize when I feel pain and talk about my feelings. It's not healthy or right to hide our feelings especially for the sake of those who have intentionally hurt us. We all cope with our pain and experiences differently. I obviously deal with my pain differently. I talk about my feelings or write about them. I only speak and write the truth and I don't see anything wrong with that. If my honesty makes others uncomfortable that's unfortunate because sometimes the truth hurts but it's still truth. I don't feel like I need to apologize for my experiences or make them secret.
The last time we were up at the cabin was in August 2012. Curt loved going in the summer because he could play on the water. I never loved driving anywhere between 16-26 hours one way to stay in the cabin. I grew up in a cluttered home so whenever I would get there my feelings from my childhood would always come rushing back when I walked in the door. It's weird how our brains work, it's a suffocating feeling for me. I don't like having to stay in such small rooms where there's no room for children to play on the floor, there's not enough room in the bedrooms for a pack n play crib AND a suitcase. My one sister in law has tried to clean and organize when she's been up there but gets told no and given the look of disapproval. When we would be visiting Curt's mom would sleep in past noon to two o'clock in the afternoon. She would leave a list of chores and things she would want family to get done while she sleeps. Curt says that is normal that parents make lists of things for their adult children and in-laws to do when visiting. I don't agree. I never would do anything off her lists. I don't visit family members to work for them, haha I visit to visit! I don't understand why she thinks she can always control and manipulate her family members to do whatever she wants. I don't visit my in-laws and complete their checklists. Am I the only one? I really don't think so! My other sister in laws have followed the checklist orders, but I never would be compliant. If I was asked respectfully I would help but I don't need a list. I treat anyone who is a guest in my home simply as that, a guest! Serving them, making them comfortable, never asking anyone to complete my to-do list for me. I clean, plan and organize before my guests arrive. While they are here I make the meals, clean up for them, ask if they are comfortable and need anything, and most of all I enjoy my guest's company in my home. We were there at Curt's parents cabin for three weeks or more when Curt was unemployed during the summer of 2009. Cache was two years old and Casen was just a newborn, only a few weeks old. Curt's mother was either busy sleeping or fiddling around with a theater work schedule all the time. There was no fresh fruits or vegetables in the house. It's always stale processed foods nobody wants to eat that are old and expired. I mean years old. I was making my boys peanut butter sandwiches that was two to three years expired! There was never any fresh food, no one comforting us during our time of need, no one helping me with my new baby, no one spending valuable time with us really enjoying our company. It was a sacrifice alone to drive up there unemployed with a newborn. From our Colorado home it was a 26 hour drive one way! Curt and I took the boys into a little restaurant called Dubs every other day at least we were there for sandwiches and burgers with our unemployment benefit card. It's a long drive into town from Curt's parents tiny cabin. One time we had just gotten back to the cabin from eating at Dub's and someone had called saying the whole family was at a nice restaurant in town to celebrate his sister Stephanie's anniversary. It was an afterthought and last minute phone call before they were about to order. They would always make it a point to not include us. They all severely lack communication skills and empathy for anyone. Even each other. It's so sad.
Here we are again another holiday come and gone where Curt's family gathers and none of them call us or the boys. I see pictures my sister in law Morgan posted of "grandpa telling the kids they each get one special egg!" And there are all the grandkids pictured except our four boys. Our four boys left out of another holiday, ignored and abandoned by their "grandparents". It's painful for Curt and I that they have abandoned our family as continual punishment... For what really? Yes of course we didn't want to go up there when none of them respect us or love us. Curt's mom has been creating and spewing lies about us for years, they all ignore us and they think if they invite us we would all of a sudden forgive all of the abandonment and abusive texts and want to come and spend time with them. Wait, what?! No thank you. I mean two years ago my mother died and I gave birth to my fourth child. None of them called me or reached out to me. Besides my sister in law, Brandi, not one of Curt's family members sent condolences or wished me congratulations. They've never accepted me as family, talked to me or expressed genuine love for me or my children. These are people who never asked or wanted to hear about my family or my trials I had and have endured. If I ever wanted to talk about my family or mentioned it I would get responses like," I wasn't talking about you." Or "you never want to talk about it." Which is them really saying, "you're not important to me. I don't care."
So it's no wonder right, none of them had the ability, experience, empathy or love to reach out to me when my mother had passed away suddenly or before/after the birth of my fourth son. All of my close relationships I have, are deep and meaningful. I invest trust, love, compassion, kindness, respect, empathy, consideration into all my relationships. My friends are like family to me because there's been mutual respect, care, concern and love for each other for years. We have shared experiences together, laughing, loving, rejoicing and mourning together. I cherish these relationships. It's beyond me to have any sort of superficial relationship with anyone. It's beyond me how Curt's parents can just neglect our boys and never send them cards or call them on birthdays or holidays. Not to mention special occasions Curt's dad sent Cache an email on his baptism day. How impersonal is that. It was an afterthought. I shouldn't expect them to love my children like they love their other grandchildren, but then again shouldn't I?! He could have sent Cache a card in the mail or called him but I guess that would have been too much effort on his part. Curt's parents were babysitting Curt's brother Adam and our sister in law Brandi's kids during the weekend Cache got baptized. Too busy with their other grandkids to take time away from them to say, "hey lets call cousin Cache on his baptism day." Or yesterday on Easter, "hey let's call your Utah cousins and wish them a Happy Easter." It's all a huge disappointment and letdown. It's hurtful! I hurt for my boys. They deserve to have loving grandparents who care about them. He's never apologized or validated the hurt Curt's mom has caused us either. I guess I need to forgive him too. I'm honest and genuine with everyone I know and don't know. I know the relationships I will enjoy eternally are the same relationships I enjoy here. This is why it's so important to have good family relationships here. I'm thankful I have good friendships to compensate for all the good family relationships we do not have. Curt and I have been very blessed. Our boys are healthy and happy. I focus daily on all the blessings we have. It's such a blessing to be joyful and grateful. We have so much to give to others. That is why I enjoy having such healthy, happy, respectful, loving relationships. I have a lot to give others and I do freely because I choose to be happy.
This is a very good Ensign article about leaving one's family and being one in marriage. Curt's mother cornered me in her laundry room months after we were married and warned me that Curt's relationships with his siblings were more important than me... His wife. She yelled at me that I was taking her son away to Colorado away from his family. We were married. I was not taking him away from his family. He had already left his family and cleaved unto me, but not in her mind. Curt's mother never gave Curt the respect he deserved to appropriately leave his parents and cleave unto me. She's never respected me or any of the other in laws. She does not respect our Covenanted marriage and that her relationship with Curt no longer requires her "matriarchal responsibilities" as she calls them. Her relationship with Curt is outside of our marriage and she has never accepted that.
In Genesis 2:24 [Gen. 2:24] we are taught, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” In a single verse, we find sound marital counsel that is just as applicable today as it was when Adam and Eve received it. This verse focuses on three important interrelated principles of marriage: leaving, cleaving, and becoming one.
"The first step in obtaining the heavenly form of marriage is for a man to “leave his father and his mother.” President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) taught that “couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side.” 5 While this step can be difficult for some new couples to take, allowing married children to leave is also difficult for some parents. President Kimball counseled, “Parents who hold, direct, and dictate to their married children and draw them away from their spouses are likely to regret the possible tragedy.” 6 Some may wonder what possible “tragedy” awaits such couples. While it could be something as severe as divorce, perhaps the real tragedy is forfeiting a form of marriage the couple might have had, had they only enjoyed the opportunity to leave appropriately.
This necessary step should in no way be interpreted as abandoning one’s parents and family. While leaving established surroundings and relationships can be difficult and painful, it is necessary and serves a greater overall need. In fact, leaving has always been part of Heavenly Father’s plan. Consider our premortal existence, for example. President Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, described our premortal relationship with God by saying: “He knew you there. Because he loved you, he was anxious for your happiness and for your eternal growth. He wanted you to be able to choose freely and to grow through the power of correct choice, so that you may become much as he is.” President Packer then explained: “To achieve this, it was necessary for us to leave his presence. Something like going away to school. A plan was presented, and each agreed to leave the presence of our Heavenly Father to experience life in mortality.” 7 God’s requirement for us to leave His presence did not diminish His love for us, nor did it diminish our love for Him. In truth, this act accentuated the deep bonds of our love. Leaving the premortal estate was necessary for our development and growth."
"All couples can review their relationships, regardless of how long they have been married, to see if they have left or are allowing others to leave appropriately. Our personal hobbies, the choice of how we use our discretionary time, the people we choose to spend time with, or our quest and love for things may be dampening our relationships.
Perhaps the best outcome of appropriately leaving is that it allows a couple to practice cleaving to one another."
"As one “leaves,” one is also expected to “cleave unto his wife.” The term cleave, as used in Genesis, is derived from the Hebrew dawbak, meaning “cling, adhere, stick, catch by pursuit” or “follow close.” When the Savior speaks of cleaving to one’s wife in Matthew 19:5 [Matt. 19:5], the source word of cleave is from the Greek poskallah, meaning “glue or join.” By scriptural definition, then, we find that God expects us to “cling” to our spouse or to “stick” with him or her. But it should also be understood that this is not a one-time event but a condition that lasts throughout a couple’s marriage.
In 1831 the Lord revealed the law of the Church to the newly gathered Saints and commanded, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). This is the only place in scripture where the Lord asks us to love anything or anyone with all our hearts besides Himself. This scripture augments our understanding of cleaving. It is apparent that cleaving is empowered by genuine love. President Hinckley has taught on several occasions that one’s spouse should be treated in special regard. He said that a husband should regard his wife “as the greatest treasure of his life.” 8 In Matthew 6:21 [Matt. 6:21] we read, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (see also 3 Ne. 13:21).
The principle of cleaving requires loving a spouse with “all” our heart. “And, when the Lord says all thy heart,” President Kimball taught, “it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving.” 9 Obviously, if our whole heart is “joined” or “glued” to our spouse, we cannot share our treasured feelings with another. In this spirit, President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) warned to “avoid flirtations of any kind.” 10 Sharing our hearts, even in the smallest degree, violates the command of loving a spouse with all our heart.
The Lord also emphasized that couples must cleave unto their spouse and “none else.” In an effort to help the Saints understand what “none else” means, President Kimball taught: “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes pre-eminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”11 This concept helps us avoid having multiple “masters.” The Savior warned about having competing interests when He said: “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other” (Matt. 6:24).
While some may feel this perspective is excessive, unrealistic, or doesn’t really apply to their type of relationship, the point is, it does apply to the form of marriage ordained by God. Cleaving is about making choices that reflect our priorities. Without appropriately leaving and appropriately cleaving, a couple can never expect to fully become one."
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