There can be joy

Thanks to my six friends that commented and thanks to two of my Utah friends who sent texts and emailed me concerning my recent post. Thanks so much for your kind words and support. It really means a lot.

Curt has google analytics on my blog. Yesterday, He read off to me all the cities where people have read my blog. I wasn't surprised. I know news travels fast. Of course no one called me, because everyone knows this is the way it is. Well, now everyone knows I will not put up with this abuse. Everyone else can subject themselves to it, but I will not. I have put up with enough abuse in this life from my own parents and I'm not going to take it anymore from anyone else.

I had a hard day yesterday! It was rough! The highlight was picking Cache and his little girlfriend up from school. They were giggling about what was inside a big truck we passed. It was so cute. They were going back and forth saying, "Maybe it's a lot of broken houses! Maybe it's a lot of bricks. Maybe it's a lot of pumpkins!" I loved hearing their sweet simple thoughts and their laughter in the back of my van. I love how simple and happy their thoughts were. That's how it should be for adults too! We could all take a lesson in humility from our children.

Yesterday was a rough day as I said! I was having a hard time. I was making it that way. I was wallowing in self-pity. I was mad and more hurt than anything over the fact that I've had to endure what I've been through with my own parents and now I was experiencing the same kind of hurt all over again from someone else. Curt was pretty patient with me throughout the day. He has really earned my trust throughout our marriage! Before Curt and I got married, trusting people was hard. Even after Curt and I got married, I was still unsure if I could trust him. Everything just seemed too good to be true. I have a husband who loves me? It wasn't the fact that I have a husband who loves me, it was that someone really loves me! When I accepted the reality of our situation as husband and wife and really felt his love for me, I could not have been any happier! It is the best feeling to feel love next to giving.

This morning I cried and told Curt I can not take anymore abuse. I've hit my max for my lifetime already. I cried and told him my inner pain. I told him, it's not fair other people have been able to mess up in their lives and their parents still love them. I've done nothing but good in my life and my parents don't love me! I told him I didn't want to feel the hurt of the abuse anymore and it was as easy as that. Curt helped me picture my pain. I lumped it all into a little peanut and let it go. I'm grateful for his help. Curt has always been my biggest supporter and I can always trust him.

Curt and I have a strong relationship. Nobody can come between us. We made covenants to love each other. He has always told me two good people can make it work, with patience, love and humility. Curt supports me in all that I do and all that I am! I'm 30 years old and I'm a competent woman! I'm a daughter of my Heavenly Father. Curt would never exercise "unrighteous dominion" and tell me what I can and can not do. Who I can and can not support. What I should and should not say. I'm my own woman! There were 4 years in my young adult life where I had absolutely no family. I chose to get baptized and live the gospel. I did it and lived faithfully and obediently because it was the right thing to do. It was what I wanted to do more than anything, live the gospel! I did not have parents watching out for me. I was blessed with the comfort of the Spirit that always confirmed to me I was living right. I was so happy living the gospel even though I did not have a family. Heavenly Father always blessed me with His love. Most often times my blessings came from the hands of others and I knew I would be taken care of if I lived the gospel faithfully. No one had ever told me in my life I had to live the gospel. It has always been my choice. I have my own agency and I can choose for myself.

I grew up in a home I was ashamed of. I was taught and controlled to keep the embarrassment of my family's problems to myself. I always had to hide my feelings because my father would throw temper tantrums. I was always ashamed and didn't want anyone to know the ways my father abused me verbally and sometimes physically. Grabbing ahold of me and shaking me. It was hard. I teach my boys our hands are gifts from Heavenly Father. They are for serving and loving, not for hurting.

This afternoon I gave it up and released myself from holding onto my own anger over others abusing me. I felt a physical release. I knew that I could start over and the change and kindness would begin with me. I'm in control over how I feel. Well within the hour Curt showed me his phone full of hateful and hurtful words mostly about me and our family. My wise and very good friend commented, "I do think we are expected to be Christlike despite how others act, but I don't think it means we have to subject ourselves to bad situations and environments. " I completely agree with my friend. I could not believe the vicious words that just kept coming. I'm thankful I have the gift of the Holy Ghost. I thought of what my friend told me when I said I could not understand how this person treats me and others. My friend told me, "How could you understand something you would never think to do?". I then told this person to stop verbally harassing me and to please stop hurting our family. I was proud of myself, yet again I was being verbally abused and I was able to rise above it and act as Christ would want me to. I truly believe He strengthens us. I felt like Heavenly Father gave me the strength today I didn't think I had anymore! I'm so grateful to have the testimony that I am a child of God and He cares for me. He does not forget me! I am His child. There are so many opportunities to be good in this life. Everyday is a chance and a new beginning! I laughed so much today and I was so thankful for that gift. I'm so thankful Heavenly Father has given me such a great sense of humor. I know my friends have always appreciated my humor! My sense of humor really held me through all those years when life was hard and it still does today. We can always laugh! I'm thankful I was able to laugh today, just like Cache and his friend.