Noble Memoirs

Will this ever stop?! Is there ever an end to abusive behaviors? Sadly, I don't know. Curt's mom sent us a handful of lengthy, nasty texts over the Thanksgiving holiday because we went to visit Curt's grandparents at his Aunt Marcia's. It was really wonderful to see Curt's sweet grandparents. I was really touched by Marcia's thoughtfulness and kindness. She's a great example of service and love. We had a wonderful visit with family, but it would have been better without Curt's mother's nasty interference. Her texts were full of blame telling Curt that everything is my fault. She texted Curt that he knows I'm sick and that she's right, that he obviously does not control his wife like he should, that we never came home to visit (yeah we drove 26 hours each way from Denver for SIX years alone!), how she's been a wonderful mother to our family, that it's her responsibility to treat us the way she does as the matriarch of the family, there was nothing wrong (even though it was illegal) with her daughters stealing my instagram pictures (she said her poor daughter didn't deserve the text from me saying she can not be trusted because she didn't do anything wrong), etc. etc. I have not contacted Curt's mom nor do I plan on doing so. For years, years now, she continues to refuse to talk about feelings without being mean, lying and placing blame on us or others for her words and actions. I can't stand feeling like I must endure her abusive behaviors in silence. I feel like I must protect myself. I had to grow-up enduring my parents abusive and neglectful behaviors and was too afraid to tell anyone. I will not experience or feel the same fear as an adult. I have had no contact with Curt's mother over the past two years. I haven't texted her since December 26th, 2012 and I still have all the texts I sent her on my phone. She has never once directly texted me, she always texts Curt. She has never once responded to my texts and I've never been mean or threatening to her like she constantly is to us. Over the past two years, she has never once said that she loves or misses our boys. She has done nothing to repair or maintain a relationship with us. She just continues to inflict more harm and cause more damage to our family when she feels like it. This past thanksgiving was the first time we've heard from her in two years and it was just because she was upset we visited family. I'm not going to live in silence or feel like I need to. It's just all too much and I'm not going to live in fear that I must remain silent about her abuse.


She needs to own and accept the damage she has caused to our family by being verbally and emotionally abusive. She will continue to make up lies and believe what she wants to believe. In her unhealthy mind she is always the victim no matter what she says or does. She will never respect our marriage and family. She does not understand that she has no place in our marriage to meddle and make threats and disgusting accusations that we hurt our children. Then think she will not have consequences for her actions and lies. She texted Curt on thanksgiving "aren't we all a little crazy and disrespectful?!" No Trina we are not! We would never even think nor treat someone the way you've treated us and we would never accuse anyone of abusing or killing their children. She sent those texts right before Sandy Hook. People who are mentally ill and evil abuse and kill children. For her to make disgusting and false accusations about us is beyond description. The most evil, malicious, disgusting words she's spoken to us and she won't even own it. I'll never trust her around my children after saying so many disturbing things. It's so disturbing to me even a couple years later, that she thinks she can say whatever she wants and not suffer any consequences for her hurtful, mean accusations and lies. The consequences to our choices always come. There's always a consequence.


Excerpts from Curt's mom's thanksgiving texts:    
"Son, YOU forget where this ALL STARTED. It wasn't US. IT WAS JEN! Put blame where you will, but it was her, all her. But she is your wife, so no matter the tirade, the terrible things, lies she posted, it all BECAME ok with you. WE NEVER ABANDONED YOU. YOU kicked US out of your lives.... that was a NICE, BEAUTIFUL robe that dad and I had searched at EVERY Costco, including YOURS, before we left SLC, then Id Falls, Butte, MISSOULA, CdA, Spokane. It was NOT US that abandoned YOU. YOU closed off from all of us. .... I DID NOT START THIS!! Jen did. And then she went berzerk online and all your friends AND RELATIVES near and far read all those horrible things she wrote about YOUR mama. Narcisstic? Abusive? Mean? I stopped reading her posts they were such evil diatribes. I cried all the time. YOU think YOU WERE HURT???!!! Try being attacked for weeks and months on end over and over and over. And YOU condoned it all. You had the gall to say you don't CONTROL your wife or what she says. Well, that was obvious."
"...DO not EVER say it was me or us who started all this. It was JEN. It was ALL Jen. There were too many people, relatives, friends, who read her postings about me, her poisonous tirades......THEY have not forgotten. And I never read most of it because a very close friend told me not to, told me I didn't need to be subjected to so much evil."
".....You don't want your sons to know their wonderful, loving grandparents? That's on you, son. NOT US. DONT EVER BLAME US AGAIN. And P.S. The Conference Talks in April discussed the role of Matriarchs in the family. You may want to look them up some day. I AM the matriarch of this family, like it or not, and with that comes responsibilities I don't necessarily want. And I do love you and Jen and the boys. Always have, always will. Time doesn't change love."

Curt texted back:
"You're crazy. None of that is true. Two years ago you said "dad and I have talked and we decided you need your space." And then you said "none of your siblings stand with you and none of them will support you."
"If you keep this up it only makes it worse and I have backed up every single nasty text you sent me. So say what you will. And if you keep lying to the family you'll find all your crazy text messages on the Internet for everyone to see. You can't rewrite history. You can own it. You could apologize. But I don't think you can ever change. You treat me like a single parent. You've only pretended to accept and love Jen. Your love for me is absolutely conditional. And I don't trust you. When I wasn't acting the way you wanted me to you decided to just withdraw the love and acceptance. Yeah you apologized for some things but you didn't change the way you treat us or Jen. So the apologies don't make it acceptable to keep treating everyone with disrespect. So please do me a favor and just go away and don't contact me any more if you're just going to continue blaming and finger pointing and will take no responsibility. I'm much happier not getting your rude and angry text messages. "

Excerpts again, Curt's mom texted back:
 "All I can say is go back and re read my texts from two years ago. I never told you to commit your wife, Curt. I have never treated you and Jen with disrespect. Go back and read Jens blog, curt. The vitriol is ugly. ...I am not lieing. Go back and reread, son. I only said Jen needed help, and you know I was right. ... You don't trust ME? Go back and reread, and see if you can see where the twisting and lying began. I AM NOT LYING....Jen started this....
And I do love you and Jen. It's not conditional. We always walk on eggshells around you guys so we don't start or fuel some non-existant Fire..... Go back and reread my texts from two years ago. Please! I only said Jen needed help. There is NOTHING wrong with being bi-polar or a manic-depressive, either one is treatable with really great medicines. I've had to take MEDS for depression several times. There is nothing wrong with that. I've always admitted it, it's not a secret. And I was better for it. ....Lies? No. No lies. Crazy? Aren't we all a bit crazy? Disrespectful? That's my number two son. I never saw this coming, not from Curt. Never Curt. And yet, here we are. YOU abandoned this family. Put blame where it belongs and suck it up. Quit blaming others for YOUR mistakes. EVERYONE ELSE is just trying to cope with, well, whatever you and Jen dish out."

Fed up with her blaming and lying, Curt emailed her and of course we have not heard back from her. I'm sure we will. If you don't act the way she expects you to, she goes after you with nasty text messages, lies and accusations.

Excerpts from Curt's email:
"I did as you suggested. I re-read everything...
You're absolutely 100% wrong. You don't remember anything as it happened. You don't remember reality. You've been lying to yourself and everyone else for so long now that you convinced yourself of a new 'truth.' You've rewritten history in your own mind and your new stories don't even match your original stories in all those text messages."

"You claim that you never said Jen needed to be committed. You claim you only said she needs help. And that I KNOW this. But your text message says this:


"SON she NEEDS HELP and even if you have to call the police to take her in handcuffs, that's what you need to do or she'll end up really hurting your kids and you'll end up in prison for not doing your duty." 


Your words...not mine. Own it. Accept it. Quit lying and hiding from it. Do you know how hurtful that is? In another text you said this:


"JEN is abusing those boys and I have witnesses. There are witnesses ready to testify against her in court."
(You claim) Jen wrote lies and evil vitriol on her blog. You can't know that because the other side of your mouth says you haven't read it because your good friend told you not to read it. So which is it? I've re-read it. You say you haven't read it. But you also say it's all lies. Mom...you're the one lying about all of this. But you don't feel like you're lying because you've told so many that you can't remember what is true and what is not."
"There's always someone to blame for your anger. From day one you've had Jen all figured out. You were convinced and diagnosed her with Bipolar disorder from that first time you attacked Jen in the laundry room in Wenatchee. And since that time you've latched on to every little thing that might possibly support your stupid diagnosis. Newsflash...Jen and I both have seen medical professionals. And Jen is just fine. She isn't Bipolar. She doesn't suffer from depression. And she has never been prescribed any medication. Nobody. Not one single person who knows her and all of her trials has suspected or suggested that she has some mental disorder. You're the ONLY person. And you're somehow the expert and still believe that you're right. But Mom...you're wrong. 100% wrong. So you should quit looking and digging for proof or evidence. It just isn't there. She reacts the same way everyone else does to your behavior. She cries. She gets angry. She talks to me. She talks to her close friends.  But (family) listen to their husbands who say "shut up, don't get involved, let it go, it's just Trina being Trina, don't talk to Jen. That's what happens. And we know it. We've heard it at some point or another from the individual people."
"Okay, let's see what else. Oh so today you still claim Jen has bipolar disorder and needs to be medicated. That is absolutely a mean and hurtful thing. Especially when it's been proven false. It makes Jen feel marginalized, disrespected, and unloved. You can't claim you love her. You're constantly fault finding with her. You're constantly concerned about her mental well being because she doesn't fall in line with how you expect her to behave. Consider the very real possibility that you're wrong. Just consider it. And if, in fact, you are wrong, how should she feel?"


"Okay, should we talk about that stupid robe now? Just own it. Just admit it. You only sent that to cause harm. What about the Christmas eve package you and Dad sent addressed to "Curt, and the Boys." WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PARENT DOES THAT?! If you can't see the problem with that...there is absolutely no hope this will ever improve. Anyway...your story (you know, the lie you tell yourself and everyone else) is that you looked high and low for a gift for Jen and couldn't, for the life of you find something. And then you saw it...a lovely bright purple robe. So lovely, in fact that you didn't care how much it was, $10 or $1,000 you just had to get that for Jen. Who absolutely loves the brightest shades of purple she can find. That's the story you believe. And that's the story you told to everyone. Sobbing and convincing everyone that Jen was just ungrateful and too concerned with material things. But the facts and the reality are....
You were just in Costco with Jen. You walked all around the store with her asking her what's on her list. She said baking sheets, dishes, pots/pans, and a couple other things. Dad picked up a set of dishes and said "hey, this looks nice." And Jen said "Oh, yes, I'd love those!" You smiled at Jen. You were looking at door swags. Jen said oh, I like the gold one. You said, "well, then I'm getting you the red one." So we just let you get the one you wanted. Jen let you ignore everything she was telling you. And we came home with a door swag we didn't even want. But we thought you had a great idea of what she wanted for Christmas. But guess what. You got Brandi the gift that Jen wanted and Dad suggested. 

This behavior is a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. Here, read this and tell me that it doesn't exactly describe what you did to Jen with that hideous robe:
"Narcissists are very disappointing as gift-givers. This is not a trivial consideration in personal relationships. I've seen narcissistic people sweetly solicit someone's preferences ("Go ahead -- tell me what you really want"), make a show of paying attention to the answer ("Don't you think I'm nice?"), and then deliver something other than what was asked for -- and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. I've seen this happen often, where narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations. It seems like a lot of pointless work to me.     First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or -- in really choice instances -- return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident."


This is just one of the many resources we were pointed to to help us understand the way we have been treated. I'm not diagnosing you. I'm just saying there is medical evidence that says this behavior is not normal and is not okay." 

"The truth is that from the very beginning you've judged Jen as a crazy bipolar person who needs to be medicated. You told her, no, you warned her that I was so close to my siblings and that those relationships were more important to me than my marriage. Somehow you've convinced Stephanie that is true for her marriage. She texted me that if she was ever forced to choose between her family or her husband, she'd be loyal to her family. And that's backwards. I don't feel the same. And the fact you are trying to split Jen and I against each other by trying to make me choose your side is appalling and despicable. That NEVER should have happened. You NEVER should have tried to pit my siblings against me. You caused irreparable damage to all of my relationships in the family. 
We can and do choose who we will be close to. And we have just a few criteria we use in selecting and building our closest relationships. Acceptance, love, validation, respect, and trust. You have provided none of those characteristics. None."


"Jen and I have disagreed a little about Dad. She has wanted him to continue having a relationship with his grandsons. But I have been a little more harsh about that. I have felt that he could have done more to prevent this whole fiasco. I'm not ready for small talk. And I'm certainly not ready to say everything is okay, thanks for calling after two years of complete silence and abandonment. He's texted me a few times about really minuscule things. Sometimes I've texted back. But he's only called three times in about an hour or two period (on one night).  And left two voicemails. And somehow I'm supposed to think all of a sudden that everything is okay. It's safe to talk to my dad again because he's decided for me when the time was right. He's decided that it's finally been long enough and I guess I'll pick up the phone and see how my son is doing. I'm just not ready. It was too long. And the punishment was not deserved. But let me tell you what your little "win" has caused."
Jen has exactly zero interest in ever allowing you near our children. She's lost all hope and trust in you. Especially after today. You can't keep digging in your heels punishing everyone in your path and expect everyone to fall in line and comply with your demands. Life doesn't work that way. You aren't always right. And you aren't always the benevolent loving caring compassionate mother you make yourself out to be. and you most certainly are not a victim despite the lies you tell yourself. I don't, however doubt, that this is very painful for you and dad. It's painful for all of us. But after today, I'm convinced Jen is right. It will never change. The more the years go by of your punishment, lies, accusations, and disrespect, the deeper the wounds go. Time doesn't heal any wounds. Time leaves deep and painful scars that will never go away. "


"We too were counseled to cut out all negativity from our lives. And you know what? The past two years we have been more blessed than in any other time period in our short marriage. We've been blessed with happiness and success. We haven't been subjected to any of your nastiness. And we've been happy for it. Until today. And it was a very rude awakening and a reminder of how much we haven't missed the conditional relationship we had with you."


My faith in our loving and merciful Heavenly Father increases my abilities to keep going and to have hope that through all of this there are "good things to come".

"Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. Moroni spoke of it in the Book of Mormon as “hope for a better world.” For emotional health and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead. It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of “good things to come.”

My declaration is that this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need. There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the “light that is endless, that can never be darkened.”  It is the very Son of God Himself. In loving praise far beyond Romeo’s reach, we say, “What light through yonder window breaks?” It is the return of hope, and Jesus is the Sun. To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His “more excellent ministry” with a future of “better promises.” He is your “high priest of good things to come.”

No one’s eyes were more penetrating than His, and much of what He saw pierced His heart. Surely His ears heard every cry of distress, every sound of want and despair. To a degree far more than we will ever understand, He was “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.”  Indeed, to the layman in the streets of Judea, Christ’s career must have seemed a failure, a tragedy, a good man totally overwhelmed by the evils surrounding Him and the misdeeds of others. He was misunderstood or misrepresented, even hated from the beginning. No matter what He said or did, His statements were twisted, His actions suspected, His motives impugned. In the entire history of the world no one has ever loved so purely or served so selflessly—and been treated so diabolically for His effort. Yet nothing could break His faith in His Father’s plan or His Father’s promises. Even in those darkest hours at Gethsemane and Calvary, He pressed on, continuing to trust in the very God whom He momentarily feared had forsaken Him.

Because Christ’s eyes were unfailingly fixed on the future, He could endure all that was required of Him, suffer as no man can suffer except it be “unto death,” as King Benjamin said, look upon the wreckage of individual lives and the promises of ancient Israel lying in ruins around Him and still say then and now, “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” How could He do this? How could He believe it? Because He knows that for the faithful, things will be made right soon enough. He is a King; He speaks for the crown; He knows what can be promised. He knows that “the Lord … will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. … For the needy shall not alway[s] be forgotten: the expectation of the poor shall not perish for ever.”  He knows that “the Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” He knows that “the Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.” 

Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it—30 years of it now, and still counting. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”

"An Hight Priest of Good Things to Come" - Jeffrey R. Holland